Ever find yourself saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? Or maybe you’re on the flip side, struggling to ask for what you need because you’re not sure if it’s “worth it”? If you’re nodding along, you’re definitely not alone. One of the trickiest parts of relationships is figuring out when and how strongly to assert ourselves. That’s where the DBT Dime Game comes in, and trust me, it’s about to become your new best friend for navigating those tricky interpersonal moments.

What Exactly Is the DBT Dime Game?

The Dime Game is a practical tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that helps you determine how strongly to ask for something or say “no” to a request. Developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, this simple yet brilliant skill takes the guesswork out of assertiveness by giving you an objective way to evaluate your situation.

Think of it as your personal “intensity meter” for communication. Instead of relying on gut feelings (which, let’s be honest, can be all over the place), you use a series of questions to calculate exactly how firm you should be in any given situation.

For a deeper dive into DBT, see the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Psych Central: NAMI on DBT and Psych Central’s DBT overview.

How the DBT Dime Game Actually Works

Here’s the beautiful simplicity of it: to play the DBT Dime Game, you ask yourself six key questions about your situation, and for each “yes” answer, you put a dime in your mental piggy bank. The more dimes you collect, the more strongly you should assert yourself.

For asking for something: Each “yes” answer earns you a dime. The more dimes, the more strongly you should ask. Hit a full dollar ($1.00)? Ask very strongly. No dimes at all? Maybe don’t ask, not even a hint.

For saying no: Each “no” answer to the questions earns you a dime. More dimes mean you should say no more firmly. Again, a full dollar means say no very strongly, while no dimes means comply without complaint.

The 10 Classic DBT Dime Game Questions

When you’re unsure, run through these quick checklists with care and kindness toward yourself.

Asking Questions:

1. Capability: Can the person give me what I want?
2. Priorities: Is my objective more important than my relationship?
3. Self-respect: Will asking help me feel competent/self-respecting?
4. Rights: Is the person required by law or moral code to give me what I want?
5. Authority: Do I have authority over the person?
6. Relationship: Is the request appropriate to my relationship?
7. Goals: In the long run, will asking help me reach my goals?
8. Give and Take: Do I give as much as I get?
9. Homework: Is the request clear?
10. Timing: Is this a good time to ask?

Saying No Questions:

1. Capability: Can I give what the person wants?
2. Priorities: Is my relationship more important than saying no?
3. Self-respect: Will saying no help me feel good about myself?
4. Rights: Am I required by law or moral code to give what is wanted?
5. Authority: Does the person have authority over me?
6. Relationship: Is the request appropriate to my relationship?
7. Goals: In the long run, will saying no help me reach my goals?
8. Give and Take: Do I give as much as I get?
9. Homework: Is the request clear?
10. Timing: Is this a good time to say no?

Scoring Your Dimes (Quick Guide)

• For each “yes” you mark on the Asking or the Saying No list, add $0.10 (one dime).
• Total your dimes to get a score between $0.00 and $1.00.
• Intensity guide: around $0.10 = very low intensity; around $1.00 = very high intensity.
• The higher your total, the more firmly you ask or say no.

The Six Essential Questions in the DBT Dime Game

Both asking for something and saying no use the same six categories to assess your situation in the DBT Dime Game. Let’s break them down:

1. Authority

For asking: Are you responsible for telling this person what to do? Are you their parent, boss, or in a position where directing them is part of your role?

For saying no: Is this person responsible for telling you what to do? Are they your boss, and is this request part of your job duties?

2. Relationship

For asking: Is your request appropriate for this relationship? You might ask your best friend to help you move, but asking your coworker to loan you $500 might be crossing a line.

For saying no: Is what they’re asking appropriate to your relationship? Sometimes people ask for things that don’t match the level of closeness or commitment you actually share.

3. Goals

For asking: Is this request important to a long-term goal? Will getting what you’re asking for help you build the life you want?

For saying no: Will you regret saying yes in the long term? Sometimes short-term peace isn’t worth the long-term consequences.

4. Give and Take

For asking: Do you give as much as you get with this person? Relationships need balance, and if you’re always the giver, it might be time to ask for something back.

For saying no: Do you owe them a favor? If they’ve been there for you repeatedly and this is the first time they’re asking for something reasonable, that’s worth considering.

5. Homework

For asking: Do you know what you want and have the facts to support your request? Being clear and prepared makes your request more reasonable.

For saying no: Do you understand what you’re saying no to? Make sure you’re not rejecting something based on assumptions or incomplete information.

6. Timing

For asking: Is this a good time to ask? Are they in the right mood? Is this the right moment? Timing can make or break even the most reasonable request.

For saying no: Should you wait before saying no? Sometimes a little time to think things through can help you respond more thoughtfully.

Reading Your Dime Count

Once you’ve answered the six questions, it’s time to count your dimes and figure out your intensity level with the DBT Dime Game:

0¢ (0 dimes): Hint only, or do it without complaint. Your situation doesn’t really support being assertive right now.

10-40¢ (1-4 dimes): Ask tentatively and be prepared to accept a “no,” or comply but show some reluctance. You have some ground to stand on, but not much.

50¢ (5 dimes): Ask gracefully but accept refusal, or comply but show hesitation. You’re right in the middle, it could go either way.

60¢ (6 dimes): Ask or say no with some confidence. Reconsider if they push back, but maintain your position.

70-80¢ (7-8 dimes): Ask or say no confidently. Resist and negotiate. You have strong ground to stand on.

90¢+ (9+ dimes): Assert very strongly. Insist and negotiate. Maintain firm boundaries. Your situation strongly supports being assertive.

When to Use the DBT Dime Game

The DBT Dime Game is especially helpful for:

• People-pleasers who struggle to know when it’s “okay” to assert themselves
• Situations where you’re unsure about the appropriateness of your request or boundary
• Relationships where you want to maintain respect and balance
• Times when emotions are running high and you need an objective perspective
• Building confidence in your communication skills

It’s particularly powerful because it gives you objective criteria rather than relying on feelings alone. We all know how our emotions can sometimes lead us astray, either making us too aggressive or too passive.

Important Exceptions and Considerations of the DBT Dime Game

Here’s something crucial: the DBT Dime Game does not apply to situations involving non-consensual touching or behavior. You always have the right to say no and be respected, regardless of your dime count. Your safety and boundaries around your body are non-negotiable.

Before acting on your dime count, take a moment to consult your “Wise Mind”, that sweet spot between emotional and rational thinking. Make sure your decision aligns with your values and long-term wellbeing.

Also, remember that if certain factors are much more important than others in your situation, you can weight them accordingly. Not all six questions have to carry equal importance in every situation.

Your Free DBT Dime Game Worksheet

Ready to start using the DBT Dime Game in your own life? We’ve created a handy worksheet that walks you through each question and helps you calculate your dime count. It includes:

• The six essential questions for both asking and saying no
• Space to write your specific situation
• A scoring guide to determine your assertiveness level
• Tips for putting your decision into action

Download the DBT Dime Game Worksheet (PDF)

This DBT Dime Game worksheet is perfect for keeping in your bag, saving on your phone, or posting somewhere you’ll see it when you need that extra boost of confidence in tricky interpersonal situations.

Making It Work in Real Life

Like any DBT skill, the DBT Dime Game gets easier with practice. Start by using it in lower-stakes situations to get comfortable with the process. Maybe use it to decide whether to ask your roommate to do the dishes, or whether to say no to that extra project at work.

The more you practice, the more naturally you’ll start thinking through these factors in real-time. Eventually, you might not need to literally count dimes: you’ll have internalized the process of weighing these important relationship factors.

Remember, the goal isn’t to become an assertiveness machine. It’s to find that sweet spot where you’re honoring both your own needs and the realities of your relationships. The Dime Game helps you walk that line with confidence and care.

At DBT Path, we believe everyone deserves to have relationships where they can both give and receive with balance and respect. The Dime Game is just one tool in your toolkit for building those kinds of connections.

So next time you’re facing a tricky interpersonal moment, remember: you don’t have to guess. Count your dimes, trust the process, and communicate with confidence. You’ve got this! 🛋️✨

Related skill: The Dime Game pairs naturally with the DBT DEAR MAN skill, which gives you the words to ask for what you want or say no clearly and respectfully.

Frequently asked questions

What is the DBT Dime Game?

The DBT Dime Game is a practical DBT skill, created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, that helps you decide how strongly to ask for something or say no. Think of it as an intensity meter for assertiveness. You answer six questions about your situation, and your score tells you whether to ask gently or stand firm.

How do you score the DBT Dime Game?

Each “yes” is worth one dime, or ten cents. You add up your dimes for a total between zero and one dollar. The higher your total, the more firmly you ask or say no. A very low score suggests hinting or letting it go, while a full dollar means your situation strongly supports being assertive.

What are the six questions in the DBT Dime Game?

You weigh the same six factors whether you are asking or saying no: Authority (who is in charge in this situation), Relationship (is the request appropriate for this relationship), Goals (does it serve your long-term goals), Give and Take (is the relationship balanced, or do you owe a favor), Homework (are you clear and prepared), and Timing (is this the right moment).

When should you use the DBT Dime Game?

It is especially helpful for people-pleasers who struggle to know when it is okay to assert themselves, for situations where you are unsure whether your request or boundary is appropriate, and for moments when emotions are running high and you need an objective perspective. It gives you clear criteria instead of relying on feelings alone.

Does the Dime Game apply to every situation?

No. The DBT Dime Game does not apply to situations involving non-consensual touching or behavior. You always have the right to say no and to be respected, no matter what your dime count is. Your safety and your boundaries around your body are never up for scoring.

Where can I learn and practice the DBT Dime Game?

The Dime Game is part of the Interpersonal Effectiveness skills taught at DBT Path, the original online DBT skills class since 2013. In class you practice skills like this with personalized weekly feedback from a real instructor, so assertiveness starts to feel natural in real life.